


Doors

by OewmO



Series: Doors [1]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Akira actually displays emotions: the fic, Angst, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, I love him dearly but can we all agree he’s not a good person, Im just a kinnie writing nonsense, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Non-binary Persona 5 Protagonist, Nonbinary Character, Persona 5 Protagonist centric, References to Depression, akechi ends up being an asshole here, might write a sequel to this, not explicitly described though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:01:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25986301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OewmO/pseuds/OewmO
Summary: Akira loves all their friends dearly. Seeing their friends happy makes them happy, fuels them. That’s what it appears to be. The story shifts a little behind closed doors. Some things are left unsaid.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Series: Doors [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892554
Comments: 12
Kudos: 50





	Doors

Akira sits on the hardwood floor of the public bathroom again. No sounds are heard apart from their sharp gasps and occasional sobs. No one has entered the small coffee shop since the sun sank into the sky. It’s two am now, and the sun is long gone, as are all the other people. Akira locks the door anyways. 

Akira locks the door because it is the only door they have that will lock. Their room has no door. Everything they feel and express in the openness of that room is on display for everyone to see. Anyone can see, and they will be doing just fine. Smiling their charming smile. Reassuring people. Giving. The bathroom has a door, and the door has a lock. No one can open the door and see inside. It is the only place where no one will know what they’re up to. It is the only place they can hide and let go of what they have been holding in. 

Both places are a sanctuary to Akira. The room with no door is open and free, and they are happy there. The bathroom with the locked door is quiet and comforting in the anonymity. 

And still sometimes they wish someone would open that door and look in it. See Akira. See what Akira really is. All that they are, and all that they hide. They wish someone would someday open the door and see that and continue to love them. To pick them up and say it’s alright and help them clean up. But that will not happen. Love is finite. Love is conditional. All the people they love, their friends, their almost-family - their love would not last if they opened the door. They would see Akira does not have much left to give. They would all see that they are running out of gifts, running out of hope. And they would all turn their backs and shut the door again. 

But it is okay. It will all be okay. It feels okay because there is one thing that makes them feel okay. In the room with the open door, where there is openness, sometimes there is Goro. Sometimes Goro will sleep next to them soundly, on that mattress upon crates they call a bed. He will complain about the bed as always, and Akira will reply that it is not that bad. Sometimes the two will talk, have important discussions. Sometimes instead their bodies will just do the talking instead. 

It’s not romantic. It’s not love. On Goro’s side at the least. A stress reliever, he says. Akira loves him. Akira adores him. Akira is willing to do most everything for him. Including sleep with him with no emotional reward. Because it’s good enough. They still get the closeness and the vulnerability. The trust. They get everything they really need. They are fulfilled. Being with Goro is enough. Being beside him is enough. Knowing Goro is safe, and not dead, and not obsessed with revenge, and slowly improving- all of that is enough. Better than enough. Akira’s love for him is unconditional. All he needs to do is lay there and be him. That is enough. 

But how much longer until it is not? It is enough for Akira’s love, but enough for Akira’s will? Everything runs out eventually. 

One night they are laying next to each other in Akira’s bed. They are talking. Akechi’s eyes are wandering. Akechi makes a sound. One Akira usually loves so much. A soft hmm, an indicator the detective has found some clue. Akira loves that hmm. 

"What is this?" Akechi asks. Akira looks to his line of sight. He is looking at their arms. No. He is looking at the lines. 

"What’s what?" Play it off. 

Akechi’s hand reaches for their arm. His touch has never been so dreaded and unwanted. "This." He repeats. There is no way to skirt around it now. 

Akira is silent for a long moment, unsure of what to say. How do they do this? There is no door. This is the room with no door. They should not be acknowledging what is wrong here. This is wrong. 

"A habit." Akira says curtly. They do not explain. They love Akechi, but they are suddenly steadfast in their conviction. He does not need an explanation. This is not supposed to happen. This is not supposed to be said. 

Akechi lets go. He seems to be thinking, with suspicions now confirmed. It was not any scars from trips to the metaverse, then. Akira could have said that, but they do not want to lie to him any longer. Lies by omission were their last defense. 

"That’s very," Akira’s heart beats too quickly. "Childish of you." And there it is. Five words crumble their whole world. Their whole existence. They want to hide away and pretend this wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. 

"I never pegged you for that sort of person. You always do surprise me, don’t you, Akira?" The last sentence usually fuels Akira. Makes them preen. Usually, it is validation. 

"What is the point? I’ve always wondered that. What goal do you accomplish?" He asks. Akira is suddenly struck with an odd sensation of guilt. He is right. What does it accomplish? He has been through so much more. So much worse. He has never done this to himself. And he is getting better. What makes Akira think their issues are bad enough to merit this? Really, it was conceited. Who were they to do this? They didn’t experience half the awful things the people they knew did. 

Maybe they just weren’t as strong as they pretended to be. As strong as everyone else. 

"I don’t know." Akira answers. They feel trapped. 

"You don’t know? You just do it? Forgive my bluntness, but that sounds a little pathetic." 

That is it. That is the last straw. Akechi has simply confirmed what Akira already thought of themself. It is nothing new. And yet, hearing it from the words of someone else, someone they love so desperately, hurts so much more. They feel as if the wind has been knocked out of their lungs. 

"... Maybe you should go. It’s getting late. You don’t want to miss the train." They finally say. Akechi is smart. Akechi picks up that this is not a request. He picks up his things and leaves without another word. 

Akira is left staring at the ceiling. They feel so wrong. Everything is suddenly so wrong. The room is ruined. The rule is broken. They must see their faults- their selfishness- here too. And it is no longer only for them to know. Goro knows now too. Goro thinks lesser of them. They are pathetic. They know that for sure now. 

Hope drains, just a little. Their sanctuary is gone. It no longer feels okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Don’t come say this is unrealistic or out of character, thank you. This is, for one, my own venting. Also, this is my interpretation of the real effects of the constantly giving and never receiving that happens in the game if it weren’t for the fact Akira is the protag so he can’t actually have an arc like that. 
> 
> Also the non-binary part was entirely self serving and unnecessary, it just makes me happy as a non-binary person.
> 
> Any negative things said about the phantom thieves and how they wouldn’t support Akira isn’t the reality and just Akira’s perception, by the way! I think in reality they’d be very worried for their friend if they were aware!
> 
> Also, finally, the switch from using Goro to Akechi is intentional. It goes of Akira’s own thoughts of him and that familiarity to being in the presence of him, where they need to be more formal in how they think of him.
> 
> I may post a sequel to this later on if anyone is interested. I’ve yet to decide if I want a happy or sad ending to this.


End file.
